We used to have money. We used to go out to eat and see lots of movies and buy things, not worrying about how much money we would have left over.
As you may know, things have gone so downhill that Mom is filing for bankruptcy.
Yes, bankruptcy. With this word has come a question that has been upsetting me for months:
Where is God?
That’s a question I have not asked in quite a few years. But ever since Mom mentioned it, the anger has grown.
God, where are you? Where are your promises? Where is your grace? I thought we were different, God. I thought we weren’t like everyone else. I thought we weren’t like the world. GOD, how in Your name could you let this happen? Where? Why? WHY?
I feel like God is failing the world through us. People are supposed to look at us and say, “Wow, they’re prospering, and we’re not. How? Oh, they have God. God must be helping them. Maybe if we accept Him, he’ll help us too.”
Two things have changed my mind.
One? Tim Tebow.
Sounds absurd, right? Well, honestly, here’s the thing. Here’s this guy, raving about his love for Jesus, and here he is, winning games left and right. And then, he looses. Where is your god now? people probably were asking. They were probably shaking their heads and walking away. Does Tim still believe in Jesus? Yep, and he probably believes He allowed Tim to lose for a reason. Which He did, mind you.
How does that help me?
How am I going to be after Mom files? Am I going to be depressed and act like I’ve been defeated? Probably would have, if it wasn’t for reason number two.
Two? Today’s message (or rather, yesterday’s, since this came out the day after I wrote this).
When Mom had money, we would go to Church, and she would tithe and I believe that is how we kept money around.
And then, a guy came into her life.
The message today was, Jesus should be the center. He is the source of all blessings. So, would you rather have the blessing as the source, which will fade away after you take it? Or would you rather have the source that keeps giving and giving after you take?
Would you rather have the water, which will disappear after you drink it? Or would you rather have the fountain?
The problem started when my mom began to spend her money, her blessing, on a guy she was trying to please. The blessing soon began to be the center. That’s where it all started.
God’s grace was there every time the guy would leave. The guy would leave so Mom could see Jesus again. But by then, Mom had to pay for the mistakes she had made when the guy was around.
God’s grace was there when he left for good, but Mom focused on the stress he caused her when he was there.
God’s grace was there when Mom and I moved to Virginia, but Mom still had the car she bought for the guy.
The funny thing is though, His grace has never left us. That’s why we’re not living in a cardboard box. Heck, that’s why we’re living. That’s why we still have $20 a month to spend on milk so that we have something to drink.
With this bankruptcy, Mom can get rid of everything in her past, and get back to having Jesus as her center.
I admit, I felt defeated, and depressed every time that Mom would mention this. I never wanted her to go through with it because I thought God was going to come through and give us a way out of this at the last second. I felt like Jesus was going to help. But He didn’t. He never unveiled His secret plan.
Mom came home today and called the lawyer. A half an hour later, I got a message saying this needs to happen.
Peace. That was His “secret” plan.
Yes, we are like the world. We might even be looked down upon by the world because someone has never had to be where we are. Someone might look at us and think we’re hypocrites because we believe in Jesus and we believe He can bless us, and they might wonder how we are blessed. But they don’t know. They don’t understand what we’ve been though. And they don’t know where we’re going to go in life, and they don’t know what’s next for us.
God does though, and apparently, this is what we have to go through in order to get back on the path He made for us.
I’ll do anything, I’ll go through anything to get back to where He wants me, because I know that wherever He wants me is where I’m supposed to be. I am giving him this situation, and I am letting Him do whatever He needs to, to get me back on track.
This almost made me lose faith. The one thing Jesus convicted people of in the Bible is faith. “Oh you of little faith” He would say. Or in the greek, “Why do you believe so little?” Boy do I feel convicted. For my own good.
I’m ok now, in case you were wondering.
But You gave me a heart and the time I would need to find You, and make it back home, where I belong.