You Know What?

• I’m afraid of being good at something.  Because then I’ll be expected to be good at it.
• I have nothing going for me.  Except for writing.  And making eggs.  I make some mean scrabbled eggs.
• I realized I’ve never been truly happy.

 

1. Elementary school-If I wasn’t focused on my dad not calling me, I was focused on my mom not being happy with whatever guy she was with.
2. Middle school-Being depressed and wondering if people cared if I was gone or not.  True story.  Also, Mom getting sick and weighing 90 pounds and wondering if she was going to live.  Oh, and my dad not calling.
3. High school (Michigan)-Mom still being sick, and the guy that was around was making her that way.
4. High school (Virginia)-Mom and I living with someone who never wanted us around (Grandma).  And the high school thinking I’m dumb.  True story.
5. College-Well, you all know what’s going on with that.  But when I first got here, I never wanted to go to college, so there’s that and the fact that the person I came here for bailed on me.

 

• God I hate it here.  But God, I know You want me to be here.
• God I’m so unhappy.  It’s hard being unhappy because I thought I wasn’t supposed to live this way.  I’m not supposed to be suffering!
• I yell at God because it’s easy, and I know He’ll love the same as He did before I started yelling at Him.  Plus it makes me feel better in the end.
• I may seem like I’m jealous of people’s happiness.  But I’m not.  I’m happy for them.  I’m just mad that I’m not happy.
• I need to sit down and edit my novel.
• I need to sit down and write something.
• I need to just be freaking happy, gosh darn it.

Good bye.